(no subject)

Sat, Oct. 5th, 2024 10:54 pm
marpai: (Default)
Sometimes, when I sit at my computer during hours late, alone in a dark room with only artificial light, despite my isolation, I feel as if I am being watched. I cannot be myself, or look at things I know I want to see (media of which tends to be socially unacceptable and/or morally grey). Is it only shame, manifest? Or, am I being perceived by something outside of myself I cannot know, nor hide from.
marpai: (Default)
Haven't had much of an interesting thought-flow lately, but what has been jangling about in my head is all to do with much-too-large ideas of what my life is meant to be like. I sometimes find myself, while enjoying little activities like playing Minecraft, or drawing, ever-plagued by the realization that I can't just do that. Eventually, I will be forced to live not for art, or music, or nature, or what other niceties keep me grounded, but for money, work, and thus begrudged survival, however long. I haven't the slightest notion of how I'll sustain myself if I fail to finish well in school, go to some second-rate uni, and eventually monetize my writing. Socially inept as I am, and always off-and-on mentally, I can't imagine I'd do well at any regular 9-to-5.

(what subject?)

Mon, May. 27th, 2024 04:52 pm
marpai: (Default)
The school-year is near ended; and I, drained of all left-over hope, and confidence; at least, as related to my academic situation. I have so little motivation to move, yet in my head a desire not to fuck off and blow everything up. I really, really, truly do want to have a strong finish, and pass all of my classes. It (actually) can't turn out any other way, or else I'll sink further, down-into the most blackened, rot-filled depths of myself, and stay that way. Now, is my one and only last-chance. I would die before I graduate high-school at age 20.

MARPAI

marpai: (Default)
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